And Now
by Obsessed Authoress
Summary: And he wonders why he can't get it out of his head, why the thoughts keep coming back, the nightmares, the regrets. Because he doesn't regret it. He doesn't. Gojyo-centric drabble, implied GojyoxHakkai


A/N- Honestly, I have no idea where this came from. I sat down to write, and about three angst-ridden sentences popped out before I realized that whatever-this-is was starting to sound a lot like Gojyo's past. Which is _bizarre_. I haven't even watched/read/thought about _Saiyuki_ recently, and out this comes... It also happens to be my first venture into the fandom, so have mercy, please. Anyway...hope you like! -OA

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**And Now**

_By ObsessedAuthoress_

Disclaimer: I do not own _Saiyuki_ or its lovely characters. Though, if I had as much money as they probably spend on cigarettes, I might be rich enough to _buy_ it... O_o

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_Even if he wanted to, he couldn't have. _

_And now she's gone. _

_And he can't say he's really sorry, because in the end, didn't she just make his life a living hell? _

_He can't count the times the mere thought of her drove him toward the lethal end of his knife, left him bleeding away another portion of his life in her memory. _

_If he wanted to save her, things would have been different. _

_But he didn't. _

_Because she was a bitch, through and through, and to tell the truth, he's always hated her, deep down inside, even though he knows that he shouldn't. _

_She was just the victim here, the one left bereft and betrayed, the one who took him in even though (from society's standpoint) he didn't deserve it, simply because of what he was. Is. And she couldn't help what she was doing, because the traitor wasn't really her, and life had left her just a little bit shaken up._

_And by shaken up, he means that she was _completely insane_._

_She used to look at him for hours, simply stare into his crimson-violet eyes and he would stare back for as long as he could because, _God_, she's his _mother _and he isn't supposed to have to be afraid of her… _

_Although he used to wonder, when he was too young to understand, why she kept looking at him like that. _

_Then sometimes she would get up and walk over to him, her footsteps loud in the sudden silence (because he almost stops breathing whenever she moves) and her eyes, shining with the imbalance of her mind, would pin him to his spot against the wall. And she'd bend down and touch a trembling hand to his silken hair, so soft and scarlet, and she'd say…_

"…_Your hair is so beautiful, so- so _red_…" _

_And by that he (eventually) knows she means _My-God-I-hate-the-very-sight-of-your-face-why-do-you-even-have-to-exist-why-can't-you-just _die_-?

_He'd be lying if he said that there was never a point when he wondered the same thing. _

_Because maybe if he never existed, things would have been different. His eyes and hair wouldn't have stared her in the face day after day in the wake of her husband's betrayal, driving her over the edge into the abyss of insanity. _

_She wouldn't have hated him so, because he simply wouldn't have been. _

_And his brother wouldn't have been forced to take such drastic measures, to distract their mother in ways that a young son is not meant to. His brother wouldn't have had to kill her in the end, because she wouldn't have snapped in the first place and dove at him with that murderous intent in her crazed eyes, the bright, delicate petals of his peace offering bouquet fluttering to the floor around them- _

_And now she's gone. _

_He has to remind himself of that, sometimes. _

_Things happen. Once they happen, they cannot be changed. He can't change his past. He can't change who he is, and on most days, he doesn't want to. _

_It's only when the dreams come, revisiting nightmares, that he wishes, wishes as hard as he can, that the gods didn't have it out to get him quite so much. _

_Hakkai knows all this, of course. He knew it when they were living together in that little house on the outskirts of town, carving out the existence of a man reborn and a man in need of rebirth, both wearing their tragedy like the perfume of ashes. He knew it because, while some things change (location, occupation- _good God, what the hell are we doing, trying to save the world or something?!_) the nightmares have always been there and he suspects they always will. _

_And because in the middle of the night, when dusk has long gone and dawn seems an eternity away, there was only Hakkai to hold him in the darkness and whisper that it was going to be alright. _

…_Not that he'll admit he needed the comfort or anything. What does a real man need with sentimental crap like that? _

_But…at the same time, when he wakes up shaking and sweating and panting and unable to hear the sound of Sanzo and Goku's soft-and-loud snoring (respectively) over the sound of his pounding heart- _

_He's grateful for the long strong arms that slide around him and pull him close. _

And now…she's gone.

_And maybe in the end, it was Life that was the bitch, to both of them, but there's nothing they can do about it now. _

_Because she's dead. _

_And he, Sha Gojyo, is alive. _

_And he intends, unapologetically, for it to remain that way.

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A/N- And there you have it. Send a review my way, and I will seriously smile for at least 5 minutes. ...Not that you'll reap any benefit from that particular phenomenon, but, uh... Okay, never mind. Review if you liked it, hated it, didn't care about it. Any of the above. No, I'm not desperate for feedback. Not at all. Oh, and Merry (late-by-3.5-hours) Christmas! Thanks! -OA


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